Breaking Wind
by Fairyyoshi
Summary: What is a sparkly vampire to do if he has a bad case of butt gas? RATED T FOR BATHROOM HUMOR!
1. The gas begins

Breaking Wind

There stood Edwardio, looking into her window, watching her while she slept. Now, most people would find this scary and call the cops. But OH! Not Bell-uh. She enjoyed Edwardio watching her like a creeper 24/7. It helped her sleep soundly. This night would probably be no different if she hadn't been awoken by a loud noise.

**PFFFT~**

Bell-uh awoke with a start, seeing Edwardio looking at her, surrounded by a cloud of gas.

"Oh my good golly gosh! Edwardio! What ARE you doing?"

Bell-uh yowled like a warrior cat and leaped out of bed. She broke through the window and tackles him to the ground. Suddenly, the smelly gas over came her and she screamed:

"Eww eww, what's that funky smell?"

Her eyes watered, she clutched her throat and starting gagging.

"Gee wiz, Bell-uh. Sorry 'bout all that. I seem to have a bad case of gas uncontrollably coming out of my ass."

Edwardio sighed melodramatically, picking up the now-near unconscious girl and throwing her back through the window and into her room.

When Bell-uh got changed from her nightgown into her school uniform, she snarfed down her breakfast of sugar-water, and raw sausages, Bell-uh kicked down the door, Edwardio following her like some deranged sparkly, undead puppy. Bell-uh and Edwardio jumped into his stupid shiny Volvo, Edwardio stamped his foot on the gas (bad pun) pedal and the shiny car sped down the street.

Meanwhile, in some deep dark place outside of Town in a place known as the "Cat-cave", Jakoby was pacing back and forth in deep violent thought. His small kitty ears twitched like nobodies business. Today, Jakoby was plotting another dastardly scheme to kill Edwardio and bring back his beloved love-pig Bell-uh back to him. He knew that today was Bell-uh's school concert and Edwardio would be there. An insane smile spread across his hard-core chapped lips and he laughed manically. This would be his perfect chance for revenge, the perfect time to do what must be done. Throwing himself onto a wooden table, he started scribbling down ideas for the last day Edwardio would live…


	2. The Cullinz

Chapter 2.

As Edwardio and Bell-uh sped down the street in the Stupid Shiny Volvo, hitting their fair share of mailboxes, cats and people, the finally arrived at the Cullinz's house. Parking the S.S.V (Stupid Shiny Volvo) on top of the family mailbox, Edwardio told Bell-uh to stay, while he went to talk to his family. He vaulted over the door and chicken-danced towards the door. The kicked open the house door and yowled like a warrior cat,

"Here's Edwardio!!"

Before rushing inside with a mighty **PFFT~**. There were screams of agony as everyone rushed out of the house, clutching their noses and gagging. Alice, who was wearing a gas mask and a HazMat suit, belted Edwardio across the kisser, sending him flying out the window.

"Stupid Edwardio! Warn us before you break wind next time, fool!"

Bell-uh heard a mighty commotion and left the safety of the S.S.V. She waddled over to everyone, but was over-come by the gas again. Her eyes watered and she clung to Alice.

"Oh my good golly gosh, Bell-uh! What a surprise to see you here."

Alice said calmly, taking off her gas mask and giving it to Bell-uh. Bell-uh nodded a thank-you and turned to look at Edwardio, who was running on the floor.

"Edwardio? WTF are you doing? You have to drive me to school!"

….Edwardio wasn't listening, Bell-uh's eyes twitched. She was about to yell at Edwardio, but Alice cut her off.

"Since Edwardio is busy, how about I take you to school myself?"

Bell-uh's eyes widened and she hugged Alice.

"Really?"

"Fo Shizzle, Bell-uh."

Alice led Bell-uh to HER car, a yellow Porsche, which was certainly not a Stupid Shiny Volvo, as E-Mutt started poking Edwardio. Alice's car drove through the garage wall and sped down the street, in a cloud of sparkly car-fumes.

"So, Bell-uh, I heard that next week is your school concert, is that true?"

Alice did a 'look ma, no hands' as she turned towards Bell-uh. Bell-uh nodded.

"Yupperoonies! I are playing the mayonnaise, which is so an instrument!"

Alice smiled, placing her hands back on the wheel before almost hitting a person crossing the street, running a red light.

"I like, totally love the mayonnaise, I've always wanted to play that instrument. You're so dang lucky Bell-uh!"

During the entire drive, they talked about how mayonnaise was an amazing instrument and Edwardio's bad gas until they arrived at school. When they finally arrived, Alice parked the car in the school and Bell-uh jumped out the Porsche's window and waved to Alice.

"See you later dawg!"

Bell-uh yowled as she swung her backpack over her shoulder, having one of her many back-pack baubles hitting her in the face and ran to class.


	3. Om nom nom

Chapter 3.

The time at school went along without complaint. Bell-uh learned how 2+2= fish and how Box McBink was the ruler of the universe. Bell-uh had been staring out the window of her history class, looking out in the direction of Edwardio's house, she squinted as she could faintly see small clouds of gas rise into the air.

"Oh Edwardio."

She sighed sadly as the bell rang and Bell-uh rose from her seat. She once again slung her backpack over her shoulder only to have a bauble shaped like a pencil jab her in the eye. She squawked like a parrot as she rushed out the door, skidding around a corner and rushing into the cafeteria.

As she waited in line she heard an all-too-familiar voice.

"Yo yo Bell-uh! Whats shaking home-skillet?"

Bell-uh turned around only to see the big-nose of her BFF Ima Lip-shits. Bell-uh screamed as she tackled Ima to the ground, hugging her.

"I misseded you Ima!"

Bell-uh said happily and she helped the purple-haired Heterochromatic girl to her feet. She pulled Ima into the lineup and slung her arm over the girl's shoulder.

"How's things going, Ima?"

"Not bad Bell-uh, what's craken with you? Yo still dating that caveman Edwardio?"

Bell-uh shot Ima an angry glare and she ordered her lunch, which consisted of 30-day old waffles and mystery-meat. As the two girls sat down at a table and began eating, Bell-uh continued to glare at Ima as she began snarfing her lunch.

"Edwardio's not a caveman," Bell-uh finally said at last. "He's my love-pig. We had seriously hardcore P.M.B.S and he got my eggo preggo. I has a daughter named Bob now."

Ima swallowed a waffle whole and looked at Bell-uh as if she was mentally insane.

"Are you for serious, Bell-uh?"

Ima croaked as Bell-uh nodded quickly, who then smiled, revealing her brown crooked teeth.

"I'm totally for serious Ima! Totally for serious!"

Bell-uh squawked and Ima smiled stupidly.

"But I still say that you is too good for Edwardio, he's such a…gassy bag of smelly gas!"

That was the last straw for Bell-uh. She jumped to her feet and screamed so loud it would be heard as far away as Japan.

"STOP DISSING MY LOVE-PIG! EDWARDIO IS NOT A GASSY BAG OF SMELLY GAS YOU --- NOOBWAD!"

Her scratchy voice bellowed out the open window, got caught in the breeze and traveled.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

**MEANWHILE…**

Deep in the waters surrounding Tokyo, Godzilla awoke from his billion year long sleep. Somehow, Bell-uh's annoying voice had traveled that far away and woken him up. He was Edwardio's BFFL and when he heard 'Edwardio' and 'gassy bag of smelly gas' in the same sentence, he immediately thought that some idiot was harassing his BFFL. So, Godzilla's big fugly head broke the Ocean's surface and he began plodding towards America.

Back in America, Bell-uh was still screaming at Ima, continuing her rant about Ima's crass remarks about her love-pig. When suddenly, who should appear? Godzilla; he tore open the school's room and picked up both girls. Ima in his left paw and Bell-uh in his right.

"Hhhowww darreee yyooouu tallkkk abbboouutt myy BFFL Eedddwarrdioo like that."

Godzilla roared, sticking the screaming Ima on top of what remained of the school's roof. He looked at Bell-uh, his beady red eyes flared with anger.

"Yooouur frrriienndd waass luucckkyy, yoouu shall hhaavvee a worser ffaattee!"

With a scream and a snap and an 'om nom nom', Godzilla bit off Bell-uh's big honker of a nose and ate it. He dropped her back in the cafeteria and placed the roof back on the school before turning around and stomping back to Tokyo. Bell-uh looked into a random mirror and screamed again. Where her nose was, was now a large hole, which was leaking boogers.

Bell-uh dug through her backpack and pulled out her purple shoe-phone.

"911! 911! Like help me! Godzilla just came and ate my nose!"

She screamed even more but the lady on the other end just laughed.

"Lemme guess, you disturbed his tea-party with Bigfoot?"

The girl snickered.

"No! Help me. I feel really…"

With that Bell-uh collapsed and with that the telephone lady called the ambulance and the story ended with that.


	4. Jakoby attacks

Chapter 4.

Bell-uh's parents huddled around their daughter hospital bed. They could not see their girl's face due to the fact that she was covered from head to toe in bandages. Her father was crying like a little girl and her mother was pacing back and forth. Suddenly the doctor came in.

"Well I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we couldn't find a suitable nose for her…but the good news is the reconstructive surgery on her face went well."

Her mother looked up and cocked her head to one side.

"…Reconstructive surgery? Why did she need that? It was only her nose…"

The doctor shook his head slowly.

"I told them to reconstruct her face because she was as ugly as sin and if I saw it again I would probably die from ugly-overload. But anyways, I made her a new face-brace to handle the fact that your daughter is now a freak of nature…errr…I mean a victim of a terrible accident."

The doctor took a small knife and cut off the bandages, revealing her face and her parents gasped.

"..S..She's BEAUTIFUL!"

Actually, she wasn't; as a matter of fact she was ten times uglier then before. She looked more like something out of The Suffering: Ties That Bind then a human. Her head and eyebrows had been shaved; the face brace was now like a metal strap-helmet. One metal strap going vertically between her eyes and around her head, going through the hole where her nose had been and stopping about an inch above her mouth. Another strap went horizontally above her eyes and swooping down in a U shape, connecting to her nose-hole. 5 large claw-like things that poked out from the strap near the back of her head went around to her mouth and pulled her lips back into a snarl. Now her brown crooked teeth were easily seen, for her lips were now pulled back and unable to hide them any longer.

_She looked absolutely hideous, and I dear say that if the devil himself saw her face he would probably commit suicide, if you looked up hideous in the dictionary, you would see her face. If you searched – well, you get my point. Now back onto the story_

"My god, Doctor Jade! You made her beautiful again!"

Both Bell-uh's parents yowled, hugging their little mutant…err...daughter. Bell-uh gnashed her choppers in happiness; finally she could live like a normal person again. Doctor Jade pushed his large spectacles back onto to top of his nose and smiled innocently. He ripped the I.V from her arms and shoved a lollipop in her mouth to stop her from screaming him and slapping him.

"You may take her home now."

Doctor Jade said as he noticed Bell-uh was sniveling, but there were no tears.

"One more thing…During the surgery, in order to make room for the horizontal strap, we had to remove her tear glands and…relocate them."

Bell-uh's parents looked at Jade oddly and they both said,

"Located where exactly?"

Suddenly Bell-uh's face went bright red and she stifled a scream and Jade sighed.

"You don't want to know, seriously."

_MEANWHILE…back at the Cullenz house.._

Edwardio went flying through the roof of the house and skidded along the street. He had a bloody nose and was clutching his face. Standing on the roof was Jakoby Blick, an evil insane smile on his face. His skin-tight leotards shone in the sun and his kitty ears were pressed against his head.

"Where is my love-pig!? You gassy fool!"

Jakoby hissed as he leapt from the roof and stood next to Edwardio.

"I dunno who you is talking about! I know no lurve-pig!"

Edwardio gasped as Jakoby punched him in the kisser again. Edwardio skidded across the ground and let out a small PFFT.

"You stole my online love! You –

_For the sake of your sanity, I will bleep out what he says. Just know it's a lot of naughty words…_

--and you that you shall pay!"

Edwardio shook his head.

"Who are you talking about? Bell-uh? She is my lurve-pig! We engaged in hardcore P.M.B.S!"

"SHUT UP EDWARDIO! I'm going to hit you where it hurts!"

Edwardio's beady eyes widened as he screamed.

"Oh please no! Not the man-badonkadonk!"

Jakoby raised his foot to curb-stomp Edwardio Dead Space style but he paused. His foot hit the ground and he looked deep in thought.

"I was gonna hit your head, but what you said will do just fine…"

Edwardio yowled like a cat in water. His cries shattered nearby windows. But where were the rest of the Cullenz to help? They were tied up in the closet...

When all hope seemed lost who came driving down the street? Bell-uh and her parents. Edwardio, who was in the fetal position on the ground called out to Bell-uh, who jumped through the windshield to her lover's rescue. Jakoby was about to do something else mean to Edwardio when Bell-uh jumped in between them.

"Get away from my love-pig!!"

Bell-uh hissed, gnashing her choppers at Jakoby. Her ugliness hit him like a ballistic missile and he screamed like a little girl who had just been scared by the neighborhood creeper.

"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU!"

Jakoby screamed, his eyes locked on her choppers and beady eyes. His cat tail went between his legs and he turned around and ran down the street. Flailing his arms as he went.


End file.
